I Think, Therefore I Am Not.

I've been thinking too much for 20 years. I grew up having to think everything through carefully. Even when I was going to misbehave, I considered my options, the consequences, whether or not it was worth it. And I always, when caught, got the worst punishments--because my mom knew I'd thought my actions through.

"You do that deliberately evil shit." I've heard similar songs all my life. But I come from evil stock. And stock that won't forget a slight, imagined or otherwise.

The first time I was ready to have sex, I was barely 18. I and some hoochie girlfriends went to the local army base enlisted club for a night of dancing. I met a private, Rob. I, of course, not really having been moved by lust at first sight prior to that night, was a lamb to slaughter.

We were going at it hot and heavy in the back of my girl's car, and all of a sudden, my grandmother's face popped into my head. She looked stern and disappointed. That was the end of any arousal. I couldn't get her out of my head. So we went into Denny's (this was well before the boycotts) and ate.

We ended up fucking at a later date, spur of the moment, in the house, parent upstairs. I always go to extremes. I freeze up, think everything to death, can't move forward in relationships or booty calls, or RL. Then I just go crazy, do the first man who shows interest, and overthink what I just did. So I'm either thought of as a freak or a prude. I can't win. I think. A lot. I don't just feel. Unless I'm on overload. Then, Lord help me.

But I can sure flog the hell out of someone after next week.