Poo Poo in the Potty (Teddy Grahams Story)

I have my niece for Mother's Day. So, it's been like playing Mommy for a weekend. The niece is two going on 22, and sometimes it's cute. Sometimes, not so much.

Our bonding has hit a new level. Today, I cooked dinner for Mamacita, and the baby barely ate anything. Considering it had her two favorite food groups--starch and red meat--I was a little surprised.

An hour later, after multiple episodes of Dora and Diego, she told me she had to "go pee pee." I said, "Ok, I'll pause the Backyardigans." She asked my why, and I told her, "So you won't miss any of it."

She replied okay from the bathroom. Then silence.

Then a couple of grunts.

Then silence.

Then: "Tia! I went poo poo in the potty!" At the top of her lungs. "Come see!"

I groaned, and thought, "Really? I have to observe the Grand Poo-bah?" Yep, I wrote it, I'm not taking it back.

So, I got up, and trudged into the bathroom to see the Holy Poop. This child has been constipated for frickin' weeks. She REFUSES to defecate. She hates it. If she starts, she'll cut it off. So, in all fairness, this is a celebration.

OMG. The stench hit me as soon as I hit the door. This was some adult-smelling shit. Literally. I started gagging like George Lopez in his last comedy special, when he's thinking about his overweight aunt in a thong panty.

Niece started clapping, "Lookit! Lookit my poo poo!"

I apologize to my Lord and Savior for what I said next.

"JESUS! Oh my GAWD! Um, err, yay! Yay for poo poo! Good job, Sweetie!"

"Show Grandmama!" I LMAO at that. Yeah, let's share the shit.

So we marched up to Grandmama. If I could have recorded the look on her face when the niece started cheering on her own feces. It was classic. Her eyes bugged out, and she exclaimed "OH MY GAWD! Uh, YAY, POO POO!" This shit was seriously adult-sized. And there were some white chunks in there, and it was multicolored, from olive green to mud brown, and almost perfectly formed, like gag shit. Just one BIG pile of shit. And the stench. I know I mentioned it before, but for real!!! OMG it was hell.

Grandpa said "Grandpa doesn't need to see it."

So we marched back downstairs, and of course, Tia had to clean up the woman-sized shit.
 
And 30 minutes later, I heard "I have to pee pee."

Help. Me.